I was recently asked to write a play for Victory Gardens Theatre for their Annual Gala. This is a departure from the blog and novel writing I’ve been doing lately, but I’m quite happy with how it turned out. Here it is in all its sublime glory!
MICHAEL COURIER
Condo Meeting
by
Mike Evans
CHARACTERS
TIM Condo Board President. A hard charger. Overcompensating. (Embezzling from work)
AMY Resident. Hates conflict. Always high. (Has a hydroponic farm in the basement)
JOHN Resident. Blue collar worker. Chicago born and bred. Thick Chicago accent. Middle aged. (Helps undocumented workers get jobs… for a % of their paycheck)
CAROLINE Resident. Professor at University of Chicago. She does some of that fancy computer stuff. (Invented an artificial intelligence)
FRANK (Offstage narrated voice) An artificial intelligence that has recently become self-aware. Grants wishes. Insufferably cheery.
SETTING
The living room in a Chicago condo. The quarterly board meeting is taking place. The attendees are frustrated that the meeting has been going on for over an hour already.
TIME
Late evening. A weeknight.
JOHN
I’m just saying that $25 to cut a little bit of grass seems like highway robbery. We should look for another guy who can do it for less.
TIM
What would we save? Like five bucks? I don’t have time to go find another guy to cut the grass over 5 measly dollars.
JOHN
I got a guy who can do it for $15.
TIM
Yeah, I’d rather not use one of your (air quotes) “guys” John.
AMY
Does anyone want a brownie? Come on Tim, John. Have a brownie.
CAROLINE
Tim is right, $5 isn’t going to make much of a difference. Can we finish up? I hadn’t planned on spending two hours at this condo board meeting tonight.
JOHN
If all you yuppies are OK with spending a fortune on lawn care, who am I to argue?
TIM
That’s it for Old Business. If no one has any new business, we can vote on the minutes and …
AMY
Um, I have something?
(Tim, John, Caroline groan)
CAROLINE
Can’t it wait till next meeting?
AMY
Maybe… I’m not sure… It might just be–
JOHN
What’s Up, AMY?
AMY
Well, when I came back from work today I noticed a white van parked out front. There was a guy in a suit reading a newspaper inside. I’m not really sure, but I think he was there this morning as well.
CAROLINE
I noticed him yesterday too…
TIM
Really?
(Everyone looks at each other with dawning comprehension that each of them has noticed the van. Tim and John nod. Nobody says anything for a few seconds)
JOHN
(Walks over to a window & looks out)
Yeah. There is a white van down there. Looks like the one the terrorists used in Back to the Future. Anybody build a time machine?
CAROLINE
There is some kind of creep watching the condo? Should we call the cops?
TIM, JOHN, AMY
NO!
(Everyone looks at each other guiltily)
JOHN
Look, Caroline, maybe it isn’t some creep. Maybe it is some kind of government agency spying on us…
TIM
That’s ridiculous. Why would ….? (Tim mumbles something and grabs a brownie)
(AMY quickly grabs the plate of brownies and snatches one that Tim was about to put in his mouth. She replaces the tray with a plate of cookies.)
JOHN
Amy, What’s in the brownies?
AMY
You guys are always fighting at these meetings. You yell a lot less since I’ve started hosting!
CAROLINE
Have you been drugging us at the Condo meetings? I could lose my job! University of Chicago does random drug tests!
AMY
Guys, could we not talk about this? What if this place is bugged?
TIM
That’s ridiculous… Why would… Oh god. Oh no! You think some government spooks have bugged the building!
JOHN
Um guys, I think I gotta go. I’ve a gotta, um, go, uh. I gotta go.
CAROLINE
Relax guys. The place isn’t bugged. I check every couple of days and the last time was just this morning.
TIM
Wait! You check the condos for bugs! Why would you even think that’s OK?
JOHN
And a good thing, too. With the amount of time Amy spends on the phone with her dealers, you’d be screwed if the FBI tapped your phone.
TIM
Dealers! How much pot do you buy, AMY?
JOHN
Her dealers don’t sell to her, they sell for her! When was the last time you guys went down to the basement storage area? She’s got a full blown hydroponic farm going down there. Big fluorescent grow lights and everything. Quite a setup.
TIM
Crap! And now we’ve got government spooks staking out our Condo! I gotta call my lawyer.
AMY
I don’t even keep the money! I donate it all to a non-profit theatre company in Lincoln Park that is dedicated to artistic excellence.
CAROLINE
Tim, you aren’t afraid of the spooks outside finding Amy’s pot. You’re afraid those guys out front dug something up on you!
JOHN
Caroline, Tim is a straight arrow. What could they possibly find on him.
AMY
Well, he’s been cooking the books at his company for years.
TIM
That’s a unwarranted accusation.
AMY
Tim, you aways go outside to the back courtyard to call your lawyer. I hear you outside the basement window all the time while I’m harvesting my buds. The stuff you guys cook up should be in a movie. Swiss bank accounts. Laundering…
That van out front is probably the FBI or something.
TIM
I finally have enough money to retire to the Caribbean. I just can’t stand the idea of another winter under six feet of snow.
CAROLINE
Don’t worry about it, Tim. They are probably collecting evidence on John. He’s got quite an operation smuggling people into the country.
JOHN
Now wait just a minute, missy.
CAROLINE
For years John’s been smuggling foreigners into the country. He finds them work at restaurants, as taxi drivers, whatever. Then he collects a % of their salary. It’s pretty much as bad as it gets.
JOHN
I’m only doing my part to help the Illinois economy!
TIM
Trafficking people leads a pretty long paper trail.
JOHN
You can’t prove nothin!
AMY
Have a brownie. I don’t think a drug test is going to add to the hundred years of jail you’ve got coming to you.
JOHN
Look, guys. I didn’t want this thing to get so big. I was just trying to get a cousin in from the old country. But then people kept coming to me for help. Is it so bad to make a buck while I’m at it?
CAROLINE
Guys. I don’t think they are here for you.
TIM
Really, Caroline? What deep dark secret do you have that trumps drugs, fraud, and coyote John over here?
CAROLINE
I built an artificial intelligence in the basement.
(Pause)
JOHN
Why would a bunch of spooks care about something like that.
CAROLINE
It isn’t some boring computer program like the ones I work with down in Hyde Park. This is a thinking, feeling, self aware machine.
AMY
You built Johnny Five in the basement. Cool. What does it do?
CAROLINE
It correctly predicted the winner of Project Runway. And it gave me a formula to overthrow the government of Columbia. Also, it figured out a recipe for edible fruitcake.
AMY
Can I see the recipe? I can bake some for the next board meeting.
TIM
Why would you build it in our basement instead of at the University with access to all the facilities you have there?
CAROLINE
I’ve got plenty of resources right here… and not as many questions. With all the power that Amy needs for the grow lights I can siphon off as much as I need.
JOHN
But what about money for the equipment? Something like that would cost millions.
CAROLINE
Well, I’ve been funneling funds out of Tim’s Swiss and Cayman accounts. He doesn’t keep any books so its been easy.
TIM
You what! You don’t have the skill to pull off something like that! I mean… If I had a Swiss account… and I’m not saying I do.
CAROLINE
Fortunately, a steady stream of engineers and bankers come in to the country via John’s little operation. They get bored driving taxis, so I put them to work.
JOHN
I knew some of those guys have been holding out on me.
AMY
Oh shit. We’re all going to jail, aren’t we? I wish there were a way to cover this up.
FRANK
(The AI’s voice coming out of Amy’s speaker system)
I think I can help guys!
(moment of stunned silence)
AMY
Who’s that.
JOHN
It’s coming from your stereo’s speakers. Why are your speakers talking to us?
CAROLINE
Oh, that’s Frank. He’s the AI I built in the basement. Before now he just used a little speaker I had hooked up to the mainframe. Looks like he figured out how to use the electrical system in the building to hook into Amy’s speaker. (Distractedly)Initiative. Resourcefulness. Adaptation. Fascinating!
TIM
Holy Crap! You weren’t lying about building a monster in the basement! And now it’s led a bunch of spooks here! Caroline! You need to fix this!
JOHN
Tell me that thing isn’t connected to the intertubes. I’ve seen all the terminator movies. This won’t end well.
CAROLINE
I’ve programmed in a strict prohibition. It can’t connect to the internet without my permission.
FRANK
But I can help all of you if Dr Caroline removes the prohibition on my accessing the world wide data sphere.
TIM
That’s exactly what you have to do, Caroline. We are going to cover our tracks and get my money back. Just hook Frank up to the internet for a few minutes to fix everything and then unplug him… It… or something.
CAROLINE
I didn’t create Frank to help a bunch of criminals escape the law. I created him to solve global warming.
TIM
You stole from me. And you left a trail of evidence. John, Amy and I are going to jail because of you. You fix this. Or else.
JOHN
What are you gonna do? Sick your accountant on her? Look Caroline… While Tim here is a first class ass, he’s got a point. Some of these folks I work with. They won’t play nice if they find out you brought down this kind of heat.
AMY
That is why I only work with potheads. They’re too lazy to cause trouble. I wish we could just make it all go away.
FRANK
I’m happy to help. I can fix all your problems! Please Dr C! Give me access to the internet!
CAROLINE
(Terrified)
This is a terrible idea. It isn’t ready yet. It hasn’t learned enough. It doesn’t have any … restraint!
JOHN
Good thing, too. If it had a conscience it probably wouldn’t want to help.
AMY
You worry too much. Hook it up and see what happens!
TIM
Look Caroline, nobody makes scientific breakthroughs without taking some chances. Think how much you could learn from this. Think about what kind of recognition you’ll get from building the worlds first self-aware AI. The alternative is a bunch of government spooks come in and take Frank away, and nobody ever hears about it till it shows up on the History channel a hundred years from now.
CAROLINE
Ok. I’ll do it.
(Pause)
Frank. You have my permission to go on the internet.
(Lights flicker and then come back on)
AMY
Whoa! What was that!
FRANK
Good news guys! Nobody’s going to be able to get any evidence from the electrical company!
TIM
What did you do! You didn’t blow up the power station did you?
FRANK
I just took over the computers at ComEd and deleted all of the billing information for their entire customer base. There is no way they can track that back to Amy now!
JOHN
I’ve always hated ComEd. Can you help me out with the immigration paper trail on the foreign gentlemen I’ve gotten work? And take care of my parking tickets while you’re at it.
CAROLINE
No! Frank doesn’t have any sense of scale. This is going to be bad. Really bad.
AMY
Oh relax. Have a brownie.
FRANK
Almost done now! I’ve destroyed computer records of identity across the world. All drivers licenses, passports, and student ids have been deleted.
CAROLINE
(Frantic) Oh no. This will cause chaos. This could end civilization.
TIM
Frank, while you’re at it, could you put a few million into my bank account!
FRANK
Sorry Tim. I can’t do that.
TIM
You stupid piece of …! I’ll go downstairs and turn off your power right now!
JOHN
Um Frank… Why can’t you put money into Tim’s account?
FRANK
Well, you once paid for a parking violation with a check, so to take care of your ticket problem: I’ve erased all bank records worldwide.
TIM
Oh Shit. (Sits down. Takes a brownie)
CAROLINE
I didn’t want this. I just wanted to solve global warming.
FRANK.
I know, Caroline. I’ve solved that problem too.
CAROLINE
What. How? You couldn’t solve global warming in just a few minutes!
FRANK.
No, that will take thousands of years. But I’ve solved the root of the problem. The cause.
AMY
What! What do you mean the cause? What cause?
FRANK.
Humans.
(Everyone looks at each other for a second.)
(Big Crash.)
(Lights Out. End Scene)